Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
