What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
