if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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