Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
