Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
