Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
