yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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