ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
