so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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