remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
