First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
