I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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