Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
