an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
