My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
