3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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