his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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