At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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