I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
