hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
