Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
