you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
