dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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