I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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