My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
