Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
