It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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