my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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