I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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