I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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