rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
