Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
