my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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