my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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