fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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