life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
