well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
