Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
