I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
