you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
