now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
