If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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