No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
So much rum. So many feels.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
