You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
