You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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