I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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