I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
