I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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