I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
