So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Randomize
