I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
