oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
