why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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